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what people don't say about recovery.

Tuesday, 30 August 2016

Recovery is portrayed as such a positive and happy experience, people flood instagram talking about how much their confidence has grown, how their relationship with food is the best it's been in years, how self love is coming naturally, how positive thinking is natural again to them. They don't tell you the gory details.They don't tell you about the bad days constantly fighting with your demons. The bad days where the voice in your head is shouting and screaming.


Like the days you spend sat on the bathroom floor. Fighting with every inch of your body to not give into the urge to make yourself sick.
Listening to the voice that tells you that you don't deserve the food in your body.

Like the days you spend laying, hungry and crying, on your bedroom floor. Fighting with every inch of your body to get up and go physically eat.
Listening to the voice that tells you that you don't deserve to feed your body.

Like the days you spend laying in bed, too anxious to get up, to face yourself. Fighting with every inch of your body to not be scared to face the world as you are.
Listening to the voice that tells you that you deserve to be fat, miserable and alone.

Like the days you spend hours in the gym, working out until you want to physically vomit. Fighting with every inch of your body to stop torturing yesterday's food choices with unnecessary amounts of cardio, trying to burn off the bad food.
Listening to the voice that tells you that you don't deserve the bad food if you don't beat yourself up for it; you gotta pay for that.

Like the days you spend stood in front of your mirror, staring at the reflection not knowing how to feel. Fighting with every inch of your body to say that you love yourself.
Listening to the voice that tells you that you look fat and you don't deserve the fat underneath your skin.

Like the days you spend with your friends and family, urging you to order food out in public, in a nice restaurant or bar. Fighting with every inch of your body to just say yes, to feel comfortable with eating around the people you love the most.
Listening to the voice that tells you everyone is watching you, that everyone is judging you for eating.

Like the nights you spend lying in bed crying yourself to sleep, questioning everything. Fighting with every inch of your body to tell yourself you have not ruined your life. That you didn't choose this life for yourself. You did not make this decision.
Listening to the voice that tells you that you deserve this, that you deserve to be haunted for the rest of your life.

Like the days you spend hiding away from everything. Too exhausted to talk, to walk, to move. Fighting with every inch of your body to fight against yourself, to win this war that feels never ending on days like this. Trying to convince yourself that you are stronger than you think you are.
Listening to the voice that tells you that you're not strong, you're not winning, you'll fall back in love with this voice one day.

Some days I feel like recovery is happening.

Some days I feel like I'll never fully recover at all.

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