Wallowing in self pity.

Sunday, 2 August 2015

I am human and I am struggling to breathe.
I am struggling to swim against the ever changing tide.
Once again my anxiety has been heightened and I can no longer ignore, or run away from myself.
And I think that's okay.

Today has been full of wallowing. Drowning in thoughts of previous encounters that cannot be changed. But it is okay. It's okay to have a day, or days, to feel like the world is just too much. It's okay to just feel totally overwhelmed, or maybe underwhelmed by everything. Maybe overwhelmed by how underwhelming life is sometimes. It's okay to answer a friend who asks the question 'what's wrong?' with 'everything' because in that moment, everything does feel wrong.

And it's okay to get frustrated at the people who tell you to 'cheer up', 'smile', 'it could be worse' and the very typical 'plenty more fish in the sea'. Sometimes life is a lot harder than it should be. Sometimes people deal with situations totally different. Sometimes it is harder to pick yourself up. Sometimes people find it harder to breathe than others, and that is not their fault. Coping mechanisms are different with everyone you'll ever meet, but that doesn't make your way of coping wrong.

If you wanna sit in bed, eating pizza, watching sad films all day, that is okay. If you wanna go out for a long run or a gym session, that is okay. If you wanna sit and do absolutely nothing but feel sorry for yourself, that is okay ( moderation). If you wanna go out and get smashed with your friends because that's just how you deal with things, that is okay. If you wanna eat chocolate brownie for breakfast, lunch and dinner, that is totally fucking okay.

Life is hard and we all deal with that differently. Some people just have it in them to pack their shit up and move on and grow, and some people (ie. me) struggle to breathe and even stand up, let alone walk. Fall down 10 times, pick yourself up 11 times or whatever the quote is, isn't me anymore. I think once you've fallen down so many times, it becomes harder each time to pick yourself up. Some people have it in them to just get on with it but more often than not, that isn't me... but that's okay.

I'm just really sad today, and that is okay.


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