saying goodbye.

Saturday, 31 December 2016

My dad died.
I have no words to explain how I feel about it. I don't even think I want to try explain how I feel. I'm devastated and numb. Empty and full at the same time. 2016 held some really fucking shit times, a handful of good times. Good times with good people, I'm grateful Dad got to see these with me.

I passed my driving test, one thing my family (and myself) never thought I'd achieve, not in a nasty way, but we all knew how anxious and how panicked I got, let alone driving a car. But I did it. I still remember crying with happiness as I walked up to him and he gave me the biggest hug, he had tears in his eyes and he told me he always knew I could do it, he said 'I know you, you can do anything you put your mind too'. I'm so glad I got to share this massive moment with him. I'm so glad he pushed me and encouraged me to just do it.
I will never, ever forget them words or the look on his face, or the feel of his arms around me that day.

I 'got into' the gym, I found an escape, and I am the most recovered I have ever been in the past 10 years. I can tell by the way he smiled, the way his eyes glinted at me whenever I said I was going to the gym, the way he looked at me when he asked what weight I lifted, that little smirk on his face because he knew that was a little more than the last time he asked. He knew I was getting stronger both mentally and physically. He knew I was growing, that my little wings were finally starting open up.

I met two pretty fantastic people this year. One romantically, and one - a friend I never thought I'd have. And I'm glad Dad knew about both of them.
He made at-the-time not so funny jokes and me and romantic boy, your typical Dad jokes. At the time he didn't make me laugh but actually made me quite embarrassed; but now I can only look back and smile. He knew I'd found someone a little bit special, someone who was bringing a light into my life, like a candle flickering in the middle of a power cut.
More recently the friend, we spoke about him in hospital, about how much this lad has achieved, how brave and how humble he is, how much positivity he has already brought to me in such a short space of time. I know Dad knew what I meant by that. Dad was brave and he was always humble.
I can honestly say these two people in my life have changed the way I think and look at a lot in life.

I went on a rather nice holiday with my best friend. Dad took and picked us up. He knew how excited I was; both going on holiday and coming home. How excited I was to see his face again after some time away. He laughed at how I insisted I was 'tanned' when I was only about a shade and a half darker. He looked at our holiday photos and he smiled from his heart. He knew how much good that holiday did for me. He knew what a brilliant girl I've spent, and will continue to spend my life with.

A very welcome friend came back into my life. A girl who makes me smile, who makes me laugh no matter what the situation. If I was sad she'd suggest wine and wine made everything better in 2016. She's my little wino buddy. But she's also my best friend. A best friend I could not have got through 2016 without. She's really something special. Funny, honest, beautiful, encouraging. I can only say how grateful I am that she walked back into my life in such a permanent way.

He knew that only the good people stay in my life. He knew he'd raised me to have only the most positive, encouraging friends, people who will stick by me through thick and thin.

My Dad has seen me smiling, laughing, crying, struggling and fighting. Not just in 2016 but my entire life. I feel very blessed to have had a Dad who consistently loved and supported me, even through my worst (and often horrific) times. I am so lucky to have had such an incredible man in my life.

I feel numb at the fact Dad will not get to see how much I change in 2017, he will not get to see me fight my final demons, he will not get to see my little wings fly, he will not get to see what a strong little girl he raised. But he will be with me, in every step, in every fight, in every breath. I won't let you down Dad. I'm a fighter, just like you taught me.

If you make any resolutions this year, please let it be that you tell your loved ones how much you appreciate them, how much you love them, how much you support them.
You never know when your last chance to do so will be. I never got that chance. Take it. Whilst you can.


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let's talk about the 'sad step'

Sunday, 24 July 2016

The sad step being the weighing scales.

your body is your home; stop trying to burn it down.

Saturday, 2 July 2016

The past 12 months have been hard, really hard. But the biggest lesson I've learnt is that your body is your home, stop trying to burn it down.